Date: 2011-01-03 10:30 pm (UTC)
pipisafoat: image of virgin mary with baby jesus & text “abstinence doesn’t work" (all those pesky words)
From: [personal profile] pipisafoat
Hello hello! I bring you your edit; my apologies for the lateness. Holidays, I'm sure you understand.

First off, this is a very fun little piece; I'm sorry it didn't win. (Nothing against the one that did! They were both quite entertaining.) Better luck next time? I certainly hope you'll be back. (Or else?)

I always try and tuck myself into a far corner
Grammar: I always try to tuck myself into a far corner
Also keep an eye on your tenses - you're a little unpredictable in this piece. Also, personal opinion: it might have worked better in present tense.

To stretched and pulled and forced down over breasts that are far too large to contain?
Grammar: To be stretched and pulled....

Overall comments:
- Beware overuse of uncommon punctuation. To have a dash twice in a piece of this size seems a little extraneous to me. If you use such punctuation less, it has more of an impact when you do.
- Hilarious voice throughout, especially the ending!

I hope I was helpful to you. Please come back and write more for us! :D
This account has disabled anonymous posting.
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.
More info about formatting

Profile

libre_libros: (Default)
verum vel praesumo

December 2010

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
26 2728293031 

Style Credit

Page generated Jul. 12th, 2025 01:35 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags