Hello hello! I bring you your edit; my apologies for the lateness. Holidays, I'm sure you understand.
First off, this is a very fun little piece; I'm sorry it didn't win. (Nothing against the one that did! They were both quite entertaining.) Better luck next time? I certainly hope you'll be back. (Or else?)
I always try and tuck myself into a far corner Grammar: I always try to tuck myself into a far corner Also keep an eye on your tenses - you're a little unpredictable in this piece. Also, personal opinion: it might have worked better in present tense.
To stretched and pulled and forced down over breasts that are far too large to contain? Grammar: To be stretched and pulled....
Overall comments: - Beware overuse of uncommon punctuation. To have a dash twice in a piece of this size seems a little extraneous to me. If you use such punctuation less, it has more of an impact when you do. - Hilarious voice throughout, especially the ending!
I hope I was helpful to you. Please come back and write more for us! :D
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libre_libros's journal
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Date: 2011-01-03 10:30 pm (UTC)First off, this is a very fun little piece; I'm sorry it didn't win. (Nothing against the one that did! They were both quite entertaining.) Better luck next time? I certainly hope you'll be back. (Or else?)
I always try and tuck myself into a far corner
Grammar: I always try to tuck myself into a far corner
Also keep an eye on your tenses - you're a little unpredictable in this piece. Also, personal opinion: it might have worked better in present tense.
To stretched and pulled and forced down over breasts that are far too large to contain?
Grammar: To be stretched and pulled....
Overall comments:
- Beware overuse of uncommon punctuation. To have a dash twice in a piece of this size seems a little extraneous to me. If you use such punctuation less, it has more of an impact when you do.
- Hilarious voice throughout, especially the ending!
I hope I was helpful to you. Please come back and write more for us! :D