libre_libros: (WTF Colorful Panda)
[personal profile] libre_libros

Written in about 1/2 an hour, unedited but run through a spell check at least.  Seeing as I only JUST NOW found out about this community around 1/2 and hour ago, I'd say this isn't bad.

                Five o’clock was happy hour – for anyone who wasn’t me.

 

                I dreaded it like no other time of the day.  Not even the hours afterward, when I was tossed into a heap of dirty linens, smelling strongly of body odor and drenched in sweat, could compare to five o’clock.

 

                That was when my hell began.  I always try and tuck myself into a far corner, hoping vainly that she’ll somehow miss me.  She never does, and inevitably her well manicured hand will close over me, drag me out into the unflattering light of a gym locker room, and put me on.

 

                Can you even begin to imagine what it’s like?  To be stuffed inside a reeking bag all day, crammed in next to the tennis shoes and spandex pants – which, in my opinion, have no business being there at all?  To stretched and pulled and forced down over breasts that are far too large to contain?  To ultimately be tucked beneath those massive conglomerations of body fat that bounce and bounce and bounce while the owner is running?  Can you even begin to comprehend how disgusting it is to be peeled off, sweating and thoroughly abused, and be discarded back into the same smelly bag, forgotten until the unwashed sweat clinging to your fibers begins to permeate the car?

 

                I doubt it.  No one who isn’t in my same predicament can possibly comprehend the horror and torture that comes with being a sports bra.  Being tossed into a bonfire by an enraged feminist would be so much more preferable to an hour at the gym every day.

Date: 2011-01-03 10:30 pm (UTC)
pipisafoat: a typewriter with a sheet of paper sticking out of it with a large heart on it (all those pesky words)
From: [personal profile] pipisafoat
Hello hello! I bring you your edit; my apologies for the lateness. Holidays, I'm sure you understand.

First off, this is a very fun little piece; I'm sorry it didn't win. (Nothing against the one that did! They were both quite entertaining.) Better luck next time? I certainly hope you'll be back. (Or else?)

I always try and tuck myself into a far corner
Grammar: I always try to tuck myself into a far corner
Also keep an eye on your tenses - you're a little unpredictable in this piece. Also, personal opinion: it might have worked better in present tense.

To stretched and pulled and forced down over breasts that are far too large to contain?
Grammar: To be stretched and pulled....

Overall comments:
- Beware overuse of uncommon punctuation. To have a dash twice in a piece of this size seems a little extraneous to me. If you use such punctuation less, it has more of an impact when you do.
- Hilarious voice throughout, especially the ending!

I hope I was helpful to you. Please come back and write more for us! :D

Date: 2011-01-03 11:02 pm (UTC)
pipisafoat: a typewriter with a sheet of paper sticking out of it with a large heart on it (Default)
From: [personal profile] pipisafoat
I thought it was you but I wasn't totally sure.

*sticks tongue out* M'not a lady. Also lately everyone is overusing punctuation.

Date: 2011-01-03 11:12 pm (UTC)
pipisafoat: a typewriter with a sheet of paper sticking out of it with a large heart on it (Default)
From: [personal profile] pipisafoat
s'okay. ♥

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libre_libros: (Default)
verum vel praesumo

December 2010

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